That gap between what we have and what we want can inspire us humans to strive, persevere and lean into our lives more. But it can also make us miserable. One of the main causes of depression, along with loss, feelings of being stuck and certain poor habits, is striving for unachievable goals. These are not just difficult goals that require work to achieve but goals that are genuinely beyond our abilities.
The desire to achieve and have things or to make things happen that are beyond our capacity and control is extremely common these days. It could be one of the reasons why diagnosed depression has been increasing.
Images of and expectations for perfection and unrealistic success have been increasing. Social media shows posts of people enjoying lives of adventure and perfect happiness. It is natural to want to share joyful images and triumphs, but the cumulative effect is to present a world that none of us lives in and where everyone is always happy and successful. This can lead to a greater focus on image and external displays of success rather than internal satisfaction.
In 2005, 1/3 of teenagers surveyed in the US declared that they are going to be famous one day. These are expectations that most will never meet. If we expect to have a certain kind of house or car but don’t yet have what we expect, we can work on it either from the outside by striving to get those things or from the inside by adjusting our expectations. Striving is great and earned success the ultimate satisfactions in life. As long we are striving for genuinely achievable goals. It can be delightful when an experience exceeds our expectations. But, if an experience does not live up to our expectations, we will likely feel bad about it.
One of the most certain paths to feeling miserable is to compare what we have with what other people have. If we expect to have more of something than other people, then we are probably going to feel bad. In the worst case, we will feel bad not just about the specific circumstance but about ourselves. One way that people deal with this is by spending beyond their means. Racking up credit card debt can feel painless at first, but this will probably change. Gradually then suddenly, eventually leading to feelings of regret, guilt and even shame. One key is not to compare what we have with what others have. Start appreciate what you do have got.
Pay attention to the expectations you have of yourself and what you expect to have and enjoy. Decide if your expectations are reasonable or not. If they are not, then do the internal work to adjust your expectations accordingly. To live well, be realistic. Coming to terms with what is possible is not about giving up on a dream. It is about having our expectations align with reality and envisioning those dreams we can make happen.
Sven Franssen